Derby Downer

All right, I confess. I saw the movie and was drawn in to the idea of being a rebellious punk rock misfit on wheels. Only in my better-than-real-life imagination though. An old neighbor of mine was on a RD team and used to invite me out to practice, but I never went. I bruise easily and have never broken a bone. Truth is, I’m no misfit. Despite having a wicked derby girl last name “Power”, the most realistic option for this first was to go see a game. So I did.

The Toronto Roller Derby has been around for some time. They’re well organized and seem to have a loyal following. At the beginning of October, I recruited some friends to join me in seeing CN Power vrs. Hammer City Eh! Team. When we arrived however, (punk rock rebel late of course), I was immediately deflated by the scene and found myself slinking into the bleachers to avoid eye contact with my friends. The venue was an oversized, brightly lit warehouse that echoed wildly as the announcer shouted out the good and bad plays that really didn’t make much sense to anyone.

“There goes DefiCaitlin knocking over Sin D Drop-Her and Mia Culprit as she whizzes past Sail Her Poon on her way to knock off Lady Gag Ya. But watch out! Sinade O’clobber is coming up behind and it looks like Panty Hoser is going to join her in taking down Miss Carriage!”


The score board was something of an overhead projector and the track was a confusing mess of spray painted lines on cement. Had I better understood the game, maybe my impression would have been better. Sorry TRD, I think what you’re doing is fundamentally a good thing, but to me it felt a lot like watching a cheeky cheer squad in a high school gym. I almost wished my can of Coors were a bag of Whoppers. At the end of the night, we all drove back to the city pretending that it had been worth checking out a bunch of chick on skates knocking each other down. And then we went dancing. A bunch of chicks jumping around.